The Love Theory : Full Cycle

A bit has happened with me since the last two posts. The ending you will now see has fluctuated many times but that’s the beauty of a live real life experience isn’t it ?

I  started to write this trilogy because a notable birthday was coming up and I had slowly seen flaws with the theory governing my relationships with girls I had a thing for. I planned to think and write on why I had chosen the path I took, and how I would now adjust it if necessary. As a refresher, I dispensed with traditional titles for dating, shunned overt statements of affection and participated in dynamic interactions that would ever so often, spill over into more than friendship. Through this, I hoped to create an incredibly resilient and surreal romance based on sincerity and mutual understanding. In doing so, I failed to see a number of notable risks and weak-points embedded in my approach

The  ‘Friend Zone’

I can’t believe that I didn’t consider the possibility that…I would meet someone I liked, get to know the person slowly, and be in tune with her so much that I’d be willing to go farther but meet with the immovable, infamous brick-wall called the ‘friend zone’. Analytically, my plan was in danger from this, seeing as I never stated my ‘intentions’ – because I did not have them in the first place upon meeting a girl and in the vast majority of cases, I never developed them. My mind was usually very ‘open’. Yet, for some reason or the other, -possibly luck- it was never much of a problem in practice. The only ‘friend zones’ I recall encountering, were ones I wanted or annoyingly, ones that were imposed by a separate unrelated fact that caused me no end of trouble for years. For the latter even when I did come out with guns blazing, clearly defined intentions and attraction was initially mutual , the fact always had the effect of setting me tightly as the chairman of the ‘friend zone association’ with very few exceptions. I have more or less learned to accept my fate relating to it. In summary, friend zones failed to faze my Love Theory.

Commitment  For very good reason many girls seem to consider being formally asked to be a guy’s girlfriend as a sign of his commitment to their relationship. No one can blame them.

How could anyone know that I was at times just as committed but would not ask because I thought I was implementing a different model in which the roles of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ did not exist.

An analogy. Under a monarchical system, a king rules over and directs the country. In most democracies today, you will not find any room for a King. The absolute powers that kings once held are no longer concentrated in single individuals. But is this to mean that countries are no longer directed because the title of ‘King’ is no more bestowed? No. That’s kinda how it was for me.

I was committed in my own way but without knowing my own ‘system’ – and look just how many thousand words it’s taken to explain it – I would appear to be noncommittal. It was this factor that made me first reconsider my refusal to use the titles, and my theory at large. Someone I was very into could think I simply didn’t care all that much because I hadn’t asked her to be my girlfriend. These were the two primary things I had overlooked. The friend zone didn’t harm me but I did not realize that the commitment ‘issue’ with my theory had cost me dearly until I started to write this series. I was doing research you see for the second part i.e The Love Theory : A Seven Year History II.

On average, I like to sample my friends’ perspectives at times so I can arrive at more balanced and accurate positions on issues. In this case, my complete lack of practical experience only buttressed the need to ask for opinions. I opted to ask female friends what they thought about relationships because I expected a feminine perspective to be more valuable and insightful.

My target questions were along the lines of, ”What does having a boyfriend mean to you? ” “‘How does it feel like? ” “Is it typical or easy to maintain friendly relations with a person you stopped dating ? ” ”How long have your relationships lasted ? ”

A notable merit of my alternative method, my LT (in short) was that I thought it avoided possibly emotionally volatile and draining aspects of  dating like breakup -apparently devastating when one person didn’t see it coming/initiate it-or betrayal, fostering lasting relations. To validate this, I intended to objectively compare the alternate records.

Simple plan no? Well it didn’t work as I imagined.

The first time I asked ”Do you have a boyfriend? ”, I had to explain why I wanted to know, was immediately disbelieved and had to defend against a suggestion that I had a personal interest in asking the question. In the process of  narrowly side-stepping that suspicion with time, luck and indirect compliments which might have left her certain that I was secretly interested in being her boyfriend and in return, no longer convinced that I had meant to ask her out there and then on BBM (to my relief), she revealed that she didn’t have a boyfriend. I could have  gone on to ask about her past experiences, but I was too exhausted to ask.

But I still had to obtain information on ‘relationships’ without which I could not write The Love Theory II properly, so I asked one more person and from her responses and the answers she demanded in return, my theory crashed leaving me with regret and broken pieces.

Here’s the summary.

We’d had a long, often blissful, sometimes anguishing and ambiguous relationship. She now had a boyfriend. She innocently prodded me for more and more answers about a ‘girl I liked’ that she didn’t know, till my emotions got the better of me and I told her the girl’s name. Her own name. But that was fine I suggested, reason jumping to the rescue : since we had tried so hard but were not ‘meant to be’. Only she was mad at me because she hadn’t known I liked her that way, since I had never said those three words or asked her out.  Shocked, I responded that I  thought she had known all that time! I used all kinds of creative ways to tell her. She said she had not wanted to presume. Hurt and devastated ,I broke my tradition telling her very plainly how I had felt all those years.

She loved me too and hearing her say it was a transcendent moment but it was too late. She would not leave her boyfriend. And I could not ‘steal her affections’ because I simply don’t know how to win over a person that knows the whole of you thoroughly and loves you, but won’t give you any more space in their heart.

Besides, even I admitted that it would not be fair to the other guy.

And it was all my fault. With three words and one question before she met him…things would be different.

I know what parts of the theory that I must now get rid of for my future – most of the rules, only the principles of sincerity and friendship can stay.

What use is a love theory that helps you find love but prevents you from acknowledging it or preserving it?


26th of June, 2014

P.S : I get to get my first -hopefully only- girlfriend 🙂

What? I spent seven years trying to build a never-ending romance. I can’t just get rid off that mindset overnight :p















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Tolu O

intends to learn to write someday, is inquisitive, maverick, and a playful lover- of music and words.

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